Monthly Archives: November 2016

So what now

Random Thoughts

I couldn’t really think of a good title for this post. I am not sure either whether anything good will come out of it. But my WP dashboard asked me “What’s on your mind?” and this is the answer.

Well, the short answer is: a lot of things. Things that actually keep me awake at night and rob me of my sleep. Things that weigh down on my mind, dampen my spirit, and make me question why I made the choices and paths that have taken me to where I am now. And if those choices and paths were the right ones to take.

Now for the long answer.

Surely life doesn’t have to be complicated, does it? One would think that after all the sacrifices you’ve given, all the obstacles you’ve hurled just to get what you wanted, gritting your teeth through sweat, blood, and tears just to achieve something, everything will go smoothly. Well, news flash! It doesn’t. On contrary, it can get all knotted and gnarly and it just wouldn’t budge any damn bit. You can shout and scream at the top of your lungs and still it wouldn’t change because it has a mind of its own. The rule of entropy. The more you want to control things, the more chaotic they become, because that’s just the way it is. Pretty much like the way I would try to keep the house nice and tidy, but it simply never stays that way. But heck, damned if I didn’t try to anyway!

If there is anything, anything at all that I could say has kept me going through the years, is my innate stubbornness to accept things as they are. I always try to look for the potential for improving something, no matter how shitty, no matter how hopeless, no matter how daunting. Someone has actually told me that they’ve never met anyone more determined than me in engaging in any kind of task, just as long as I believe that it is worth doing and fighting for. I’m one of those persons who would buy small potted plants at the 100-yen shop so I can grow them at home into thriving indoor house plants, living things that grow and grow and grow.

Hey, there’s only one life to live. Damned if I didn’t try my best to live it to the fullest.

How much is a life worth?

Uncategorized

I ask this question because lately I have been forced to do a serious accounting of all the financial support I have been sending out for the entire year. I realized that for all those two decades since I left my home country, there has never been a break. Unlike other people I know, I do not like sending padala through someone just to avoid paying the processing fees required if one sends by bank remittance. I have kept all my remittance slips, every single one of them. I suppose I could go and do a tally, see how much I’ve sent over 20 years. But it doesn’t really matter now, does it?

How much does it take to live comfortably in the Philippines? Well that largely depends on your definition of “comfortable.” If you would ask my Dad, he would tell you that he could live on 100 pesos a day, but he would insist that my Mom could never ever, not by a slim chance.

So like a dutiful daughter, I sent padala. Every single month, to my parents. Until my Dad passed away, and then there was only my Mom left to support. Mom of course eventually started receiving pension money, but the monthly pension she receives is only about the same as what I would normally spend on weekly groceries here. It’s like a damn sick joke.

How does a widow survive on a pittance? No health insurance, no backup plans, no savings, no nothing. And so the remittance just keeps flowing out…to support life, to support the living, to keep things going.

I am not complaining, merely trying to reflect on how much of our lives we spend working and earning, and some of those earnings gets shared to our loved ones, and somehow it is alright. You just have to accept that that’s how the world works. That the reason you are where you are now is because that’s the way it’s supposed to be.