So what now
I couldn’t really think of a good title for this post. I am not sure either whether anything good will come out of it. But my WP dashboard asked me “What’s on your mind?” and this is the answer.
Well, the short answer is: a lot of things. Things that actually keep me awake at night and rob me of my sleep. Things that weigh down on my mind, dampen my spirit, and make me question why I made the choices and paths that have taken me to where I am now. And if those choices and paths were the right ones to take.
Now for the long answer.
Surely life doesn’t have to be complicated, does it? One would think that after all the sacrifices you’ve given, all the obstacles you’ve hurled just to get what you wanted, gritting your teeth through sweat, blood, and tears just to achieve something, everything will go smoothly. Well, news flash! It doesn’t. On contrary, it can get all knotted and gnarly and it just wouldn’t budge any damn bit. You can shout and scream at the top of your lungs and still it wouldn’t change because it has a mind of its own. The rule of entropy. The more you want to control things, the more chaotic they become, because that’s just the way it is. Pretty much like the way I would try to keep the house nice and tidy, but it simply never stays that way. But heck, damned if I didn’t try to anyway!
If there is anything, anything at all that I could say has kept me going through the years, is my innate stubbornness to accept things as they are. I always try to look for the potential for improving something, no matter how shitty, no matter how hopeless, no matter how daunting. Someone has actually told me that they’ve never met anyone more determined than me in engaging in any kind of task, just as long as I believe that it is worth doing and fighting for. I’m one of those persons who would buy small potted plants at the 100-yen shop so I can grow them at home into thriving indoor house plants, living things that grow and grow and grow.
Hey, there’s only one life to live. Damned if I didn’t try my best to live it to the fullest.